Fifty

I thought my fiftieth post should be something interesting, unique, and worthwhile.
I think I found something that is all three things.
I especially like a few towards the end, and the middle, and the beginning. Oops, I think I like it all! Take a look:

The following was written by Regina Brett, a 90 year old woman from Cleveland, Ohio.
To celebrate growing older, she wrote this list of lessons that life has taught her.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and your parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It is more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that is not useful, beautiful, or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
18. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, do not take no for an answer.
20. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
21. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
22. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
23. The most important sex organ is the brain.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so called disaster with the words, “In five years, will this matter?”
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative…dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside everyday. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all throw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else’s, we would grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Craziness

And just like that, everyone is gone.



Your warm whispers
Out of the dark they carry my heart...
Your warm whispers
Keeping the noise from breaking through



Exhausted from not sleeping at all last night.
Achy. Contemplative. Tired. Worn out. Kaput. Stressed. Freaked.


Yes, it's the Saturday before finals. However, I've been fighting off a cold for 8 days now (I will resist!), I have had some major tests & things due the past 2 weeks at school, my sisters came to celebrate the oldest ones' birthday on Thursday (yeah 26! Yay Becca!), and then my (barely older) sister graduated last night! So proud of her (it's hard to express in words), but with graduation night came tons of family staying in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment (which is rather spacious for two, but definitely TINY for nine!....yeah. that was an experience). And then of course, what is a graduation without a party to celebrate with your college friends? On Monday, the decision was made to have a party, the time changed a few times before Thursday, and it was ABSOLUTE CRAZINESS an hour before the party. However, everything was made/cooked/arranged on time and very nicely! With a big thanks to Mom (cook), Dad (Christmas light stringer), Becca (wall decorator), and Kelly (odds & ends: cooking & decorating)....everything looked and tasted great! The party was soo much fun (once everyone got there) even with the sporadic rain and fun was had by all. Taboo, MadGab, and a bunch of friends (new and old) and family make for a fun time! So yeah, I find myself at the end of this morning super tired, drained, stressed, freaked out, discouraged, contemplative, and sad.
Why sad? I ask myself.
I don't know for certain, but I do know it is partly because I chose not to go to my great aunt's memorial service in Bakersfield. It's actually starting right now (well at 1:30). I'm sad that I am missing it, missing time with relatives, and that I won't get to hear more memories and stories about my aunt. However, I know that she (just like my mom did this morning) would encourage me to take care of the important things so I won't make myself sick. I did go to her burial service, and honestly, I know with how little sleep I got last night, that I would be an emotional wreck, furthering my stress and anxiety. So, the trip to Bako was a no go, but I am determined to get a lot accomplished, take a nap, and then SNAP OUT OF IT!
Crazy times like these remind me of how much I have to be thankful for. Although my family may seem crazy at times, I love each person very much and I'm already sad everyone is gone :)
I know, I'm still feeling bipolar okay? :)
Thanks for snuggling with me in my bed this morning Rach! Your sensitivity this morning and attempts at making me smile were wonderful (and treasured)! Love you nighty-whitey!




Update: Please do not read into the part of Rach's graduation as me being sarcastic or anything short of proud.
I am simply super emotional right now and stressed (not excuses- just explanations).
And sad.

"Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep

I'll be right here
I'll stay awake

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe
As long as you need me."

Christmas!

It's December 5th
+
Natalie Grant's Home for Christmas cassette tape is blasting from the tape deck
=
the Christmas season is officially here!


Now, it's time to
eat mint M&M's,
buy peppermint ice cream, and
make Christmas shaped sugar cookies!!!

Disjointed and Convoluted

Lately I have this thing where:

I seriously and truly love my job!
I am learning so much about writing, about myself, and about people. Life is weird but people are cool. Thanks for it all God!
However, I secretly hope that anyone who goes to log in will not be needing my help. Weird. I know.

I cry about my aunt from any Christian song I hear on the radio.

I can't seem to tell time or read clocks very well.

I can't seem to do basic math functions very well (addition/subtraction).

I'm super introverted in that I didn't go ANYWHERE but my apt. and school for SIX DAYS.

I haven't played my guitar in over four months.
I want to badly, but somehow I'm avoiding it.
(I don't see how I will ever improve until that logic changes.)

I have crazy dreams about a few regrets from last semester.
God, are you trying to tell me something about those relationships that ended badly?

I have been horrible with managing my time lately.



I'm at the end of my rope.

I feel bipolar.

And I blog lately about my thoughts and prayer requests for God.
I guess it's just personal now. Even though anyone in the world could be reading this.
Not that anyone does read this.


The end.

ah.ha.ha.ha.hahaha

I love sisters.
And computers.

Except when the latter decides to go cuh-razy tom and FREEZE.



While sitting next to said sister on the couch, I overheard this conversation:

Stupid computer!! WORK!






(said much quieter).....please work?!

Seriously God?

...........Seriously God?
.I feel bipolar...
.Like really, truly, bipolar.



I am so FREAKIN stressed out, have waAY too much to do, and I have so many things weighing down my heart my heart......
....and I simply canNOT get everything done in one day.

But YOU give me joy.

You allow me to see beauty in ashes,
you are the bread and the wine.
You are all I need. (Woot JJ Heller!)

You are teaching me so much through EVERY single song I hear lately!
And then, of course, I cry about something in it.


But, time and time again, there are a few songs that I cannot stop thinking about.
And this is one of them:



I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You

What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You



...................Matt Maher: Alive Again


Thank you for giving me JOY God!
Thank you for your provisions and for making me fall asleep when I simply cannot deal with anything else in my day!

Before I go, a few requests for the next few days:
...Peaceful, deep and restful sleep!
...An appetite! I need to eat more, and eat healthier meals!
...Confidence and time management to finish everything I need to before December 16th.
...A few answers to some questions would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!
...A spirit of perseverance.
...And finally, JOY!

Quote of the day...

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela

Auntie 'Nore

I miss you so much right now.

How can you be gone?

The littlest things make my thoughts turn to you.




God meet me here in my grief.

Yup

Candles?
Check.

Computer?
Check.

Music?
Check.

Drink?
Check.

Comfy shoes?
Check.

BUTTLOAD of things to do before going to bed?
CHECK!!





Aah. The crummy life of a week before finals.










A few deep breaths and I think I'll make it!

Candles lit.
Computer on and raring to go.
iTunes open and Fiction Family playing.
Iced tea on the coaster.
Uggs.
16 million-trillion-kaZILLION things written down to do before the night ends.


Oh, and a blog about it all :)

Yesterday

was the day that I finally broke down.

My great aunt Lenore died on Thanksgiving night.

And yesterday was the day that I broke down.
While driving home, I turned on the radio while coming to a stoplight and was immediately blown away. The song said,

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together,
. God

So hold me now


After hearing this, I broke down crying. I knew that I had a ton of stuff jumbled in my head since I heard about my aunt's death.
Unanswered questions, anger, frustration, confusion, and worry swirled around my head and heart whenever I fell asleep or woke up.

Along with some other things (crazy stress from school), I found that I was literally making myself sick whenever I slowed down enough to actually think about heavy things.

And you know what?

While I was crying, I realized that God is funny. Because as I was waiting for the light to change so I could turn, I noticed the girl in the car in front of me.
She was obviously listening to some music and seriously rocking out.


And I do mean, Rocking Out.


And in that moment, I laughed.

In my confusion, anger, doubt, frustration, and growing anxieties that were threatening to make me so sick that I could throw up, I was able to laugh and be touched by God. The girls' dancing, fist pumps in the air, and shaking car reminded me that God brings joy, peace, and hope in the midst of trials. Although I was horribly overwhelmed, I was touched by joy, grace, and hope. I KNEW that although I did not have any answers to the questions I desperately asked of God, he heard me in that moment and showed me Himself.

I realized how hard I had been trying to maintain the slivers of control I had over my days, desperately grasping the straws that were being yanked out of my hands. I was not in control but God was.

I am not in control. God is.

I am man and He is God. He is God and I am not.

I write this not trying to sound tooty-faluty but to have this serve as a reminder of that God-breathed moment in my life, this marvelous dosage of much needed perspective.



Oh and when I was almost home I saw the girl in front of me again.
She was still dancing.

Morning smells

Woke up to blueberry muffins baking in the oven.

Soon there was a LOVELY scent wafting upstairs to my room. And then, ding!
The timer went off and it was time to finally get out of bed.

Mmmmmmm....

I love my sister.

A Night at the Movies

Tonight I went to the Three Dollar Theater! and saw Julie & Julia :)
I went with two good friends (Ruby and Wilma), which is always fun.

Anyways, it was such a fun movie!

It was fun to be able to hear the audience all laughing loudly together during the funny parts, squealing at the weird/gross parts, and sighing at the good parts.

Such a fun one!



Aand it made me want to start cooking more! I want to be adventurous, make new things, recipes that sound hard, and even make things that don't necessarily sound very good.

I'm dying to make some scones, cupcakes, lemon cookies (don't get me started on all of the lemon desserts!), spaghetti, and beef bourguignon!

Because

Today has been the kind of day
where I slept in late,
read in bed for a long time,
finally got up and dressed.
made an AWESOME french bread turkey grilled cheese sandwich,
blogged,
painted,
dreamed about design ideas for my apt walls,
heated up dinner for the sister,
ate said dinner with her in a jiffy,
stared at the empty sinkS in our kitchen,
blog stalked,
thought about homework,
talked to my mom,
ate a banana at 7:30,
and went to Target to get sprinkles for cupcakes
kind of day.


All because of the many people who have fought for my freedom and for the freedom of those who live in the United States.

Oh, and I finally go to a school that recognizes this day and does not have classes scheduled!

End of the dAY

At the end of the day, who ever gets ready for bed first, heads downstairs or into a (my) bedroom.

Then, we hug.

Sometimes, it is a soft hug.
Sometimes, a grateful hug.
Sometimes, a sorry hug.
Sometimes, a long and hard hug.
Sometimes, a droopy and sleepy hug (with eyes barely open).
Sometimes, a lean
still, at other times, a sigh.


And so it goes.
Nighttime is the time for getting caught up on last minute remembrances,
saying you're sorry,
or talking about the next day.

I am a person who needs hugs.
I need to stay emotionally and physically in touch with friends and family.
After realizing that I did not get nearly enough hugs from friends last year, I started to ask for a hug everyday from my seester.

And you know what? I think right before bedtime is my new
favorite
time
of day.

:)

dinner

Yesterday I cooked bacon for the first time in my life.

And, you know what? I kind of liked it!



This may seem a little weird, but it actually feels like quite an accomplishment for me.

Here is a little background info: after diagnosing my grocery list of things I was allergic to before sixth grade, I suddenly was sworn from eating wheat, corn, or pork. I have to admit that eliminating pork from my diet was the easiest thing to be rid of, but it did not come with its own disadvantages.

Hence, the act of cooking bacon for the first time at twenty-two years of age.
Again, this may seem a bit strange to be considered a thing worth remembering, but as I consider myself a fairly knowledgeable cook, cooking bacon was actually a new feat for me! Like making a four course meal, I had to learn a thing or two before I ventured into cooking bacon for the first time.

Now, I'm not going to tell you now that bacon is my favorite food, or that it should be added to more food. Nope. I'm simply going to say, for the first time, I ate bacon. And I actually liked it.

Now,
Enough of that.



Yesterday, I made a BLT. It was AWESOMEsauce. Chunky tomatoes, crisp bread, fresh lettuce, and yummy bacon. A little salt n peppa on the tomatoes and it was golden! Golden I tell you!

Aaaand here is where I end.

Oh my!

How fun it is to hula hoop with a two year-old!

First, they are intrigued by the vibrantly colored hoops.
Some are bright blue, others a merry green, and still others are a cheery yellow!

And then............
..............some are sparkly, and striped, and shine in the sun!!

How fun!

Secondly, making the hoop move around one's hips is a rather difficult task that must be attacked with as much vigor and enthusiasm as possible!
- One may choose to 'wind up' and then let the hoop fall after counting to three. (While throwing up one's hands and making a loud noise or smiling :)
- Or, one can whip the hoop around, and then suddenly start a swaying motion in the knees and hips AFTER the hoop is on the ground :)

- Or (one of the most fun options), one can even help out the movement of the hoop by twirling around after letting it go.
By 'winding up,' swaying/rocking one's hips, and then spinning one's body around in circles, making a hula hoop move is even more fun!
(Of course, you may find yourself repeatedly falling down after this last action. Simply get back up and do it again! It's fun! Oh, and don't forget to grin the whole time!)


If moving a hula hoop on one's hips simply is not very appealing (or possible), there are always countless other things to do with a hula hoop.

For instance, it is quite fun to place two hula hoops side by side. After having a friend stand in the one next to yours, you can then take turns switching places by stepping into the opposite hoop, and then back into yours. Of course, this may make a taller person quite dizzy if they forget to look up once in awhile :)

Also, one can also take a hula hoop in each hand and run around. This adds up to countless hours of fun- especially when you yell, shout, or make some other loud noise while running. 'Run' is a good option for yelling while running.
-Look out for the tendency for your feet to step on the hoops and make you lose your balance if you are a little person. This will add up to countless falls and precarious trips. Do not worry though. Fun can be restored after continuing to pick up the hoops, running around, and yelling loudly!


Even still, there is another option for the hula hooping impaired individuals.
By simply holding a hula hoop in one hand while doing some other sort of action, one can engage in the hula hooping fun without even having to display one's problems of keeping the hoop on one's hips!
(This is usually the safest option. No tripping, falling, or dizziness of any kind......usually :)


All in all, hula hoops are quite fun for two year-olds, and can prove to be fun for those of all ages.
One note: the movement of moving the hoop around one's arm is not achieved by placing the hoop over one's arm and shrugging one's shoulder :)

And might I add that it is also strangely ironic that making a hula hoop stay on one's hips is as difficult for a two year-old as a twenty-two year-old?!
(Just a little tid bit of info :)

Simply put, a hula hoop for a two year-old is more than a toy, it is an adventure!



Oh, to look at the world through the eyes of a two year-old!

Going down slides, playing in the sand, and squishing one's fingers in play dough is also enormous fun for a two year-old.

And sometimes there are simply too many adventures for a person of this age.
Nap time cannot come quickly enough. Sometimes one may try to nap but then pesky adults have amazing ideas such as eating lunch, washing one's hands and face, and choosing to NOT fall asleep in one's lunch. (Oh! the nerve!)

Okay God,

....you got me thinking!

I want to know my holy discontent so badly that sometimes I feel that I'm simply choosing it sometimes. When I hear someone speak about something that they are passionate about, I find myself relating, nodding my head, and thinking 'yes! Something does need to change!'

Hmmmm......yes, I'm struggling but I'm getting there. And okay, God. I have a few ideas and I think that this might be one of them. I mean, I'm already a super shopaholic and impulse shopper, so maybe this is what you're trying to tell me? Along with being a good steward of my money for the advantages it brings for my future, maybe I should be a good steward of the items that I am buying.


So, here it is...enjoy and be changed, forever.

Not at Target

While visiting my friend at the children’s hospital that she works at, there was a loud noise and flashing lights that went off in the main lobby area. The intercom said that there was a code red.
After some people walked in, a woman looked at me and said irritatingly, “Why is that noise going off?!” (You could just hear the disgust dripping in her voice.)
Her friend said, “It’s because we walked in through these doors.”

‘Right,’ I thought, ‘that’s exactly what happened.’ Think about it, noises go off like that at a store if someone shoplifts. Think about why people are in hospitals. I don’t think it is to shop.

We weren't at a Target.

So...uh....yeeaaah

At work today, a student sat at a table nearby so that he could plug his computer in. After talking with a fellow tutor for a long time, he packed up his stuff, turned to me, and then said, "Enjoy your time." And then he turned a walked away!

It was so amazingly strange!


I mean, what do you say to that and what does it even mean?

I was off work by that time so as I was gathering my things, I said in a quiet voice, "Okay. CREEP!"

Sooo yeah.... that was all. Just a super strange story.
I simply had to write this one down so that I won't forget it!

Shh....

Shh...don't tell! I sneaked in a Klondike bar before eating dinner!!

:)

I put water on the stove to boil and then popped in a little Heath Klondike bar as I watched the Office while waiting for the water to boil :)

Oh yes, I felt sneaky!

Who says you can't have dessert before you have dinner?! Not me!!

Re: Saturday

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground
Is sinking sand

I want to say I'm sorry...............

I want to say I'm sorry.
I want to, ....so badly.

I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know how.
I don't know where to start, what to say, or how to say it.

I know I need to say I'm sorry but I'm not sure.

I'm not being selfish...I just need some help.
I know I want to.
I know I need to.
I know I have to....but how?


I'm sitting here mad at myself. I need to say I'm sorry but I can't.
I'm compelled to say I'm sorry but my mouth won't move.

I can NOT get my mind to say what my heart is needing so desperately to say.

I'm in pain, frustration, and angry with my heart.
What I thought was a vein connecting my heart to my head is not there.
Why isn't it working now? Why won't I ...open...up....my...mouth...and SPEAK?

I'm mad at myself. I tell myself to be the better person.
Grow up.
Get over yourself.
Get over it.
Admit your pride, your sin, and stop looking at others.
Don't blame them for how you act, I tell myself.
Do NOT let their actions dictate yours.

But I do.


I'm ashamed, mad, angry, and trying oh so hard not to be bitter.
Do good, try hard, fail.

But this time I wanted not to fail so badly, I tell God.
I trusted in you, made my claim, a battle cry for how I was going to fight against Satan.

I have a new way to live, I tell myself.
I'm so much smarter than all those other people who don't make it.
I have found the mantra to make my life better.
I know a better way to live.
I know how to live.
They don't.

HOW? I scream!
How did I do it again?
Why is it that I wanted it so badly, I tried so hard, yet I still failed???
Why God?


At the end of all of this, I say in a quiet voice.....
help


help


help



Help me! I finally cry out.

Show me the way God!

I thought I knew it, I thought I could do it, I KNEW that I could.
But you know I can't.

I am sitting here crying. Looking at the ugliness that I am. Knowing that for all my pride and focus on my outward appearance, it is all in vain.
Grace... what a nice girl, they used to say. They know better now.

That girl grew up. She became smarter, wiser, somehow seeing what they all didn't. Seeing who she really was, who she wanted to be all that time.
Mean,
ugly,
ignorant,
pushy,
arrogant,
prideful.
That's what she is now.


Mad. Mad I tell you! Mad is what I am. Angry, frustrated, disappointed that I let myself get beyond the point of just knowing I might have these things in me.
Getting to the point of being them.
sigh



I'm still sitting here and thinking. I have NOT given up.
I WILL connect my heart to my mind.
I WILL become a person that I can look at in the eye.
Not always admiring myself in the mirror anymore, but being satisfied with who and how God made me.
I will fix this, make it right, grow, learn, change, be......

Because this time, I will NOT be doing it by myself.
I will seek you each day, each moment, every SINGLE time I am doubting, worrying, wondering, questioning.

I hate feeling like crud. Wanting more, knowing I need less.
I read and am inspired by others. I desire to have their hearts, but cannot seem to get one.
I cannot get outside of myself, beyond myself, out of my own head, MY thoughts, MY mind, MY wants, desires, needs. Me, me, me!

I sit here and choose.
I hate myself, but know I shouldn't.
I need to love God, love others, love.
Love not hate.

I need.
Need help,
need guidance,
need a hand,
need better influences,
need inspiration,
need things to laugh at.
Need to stop crying :)


I sit here now,
drying my eyes, knowing.
Knowing I am at the end of myself.
Knowing I have nothing left to give, nothing left to desire, nothing left to cry about.

I sit here and praise,
All I can say is......Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, forever!
Always forever!

You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever


You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life

Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, forever

Holy Discontent :

Holy Discontent:

So many thoughts, so many emotions.
I don't have the strength to write it all down right now.

But you know what God?
I'm thinking about it.
In the quiet of my heart and when I still my mind,
I am thinking about it and what Your will is for me.

Please continue to push me, mold me, challenge me, and open my eyes to see the world around me. Please allow me to know when to take the secret thoughts inside my heart out to share with the world.
Please hold me accountable to those thoughts once I share them.

Amen.

up to interpretation

I’m wandering
I’m crawling
I’m two steps away from falling
Just can’t seem to get around

I’m heavy
I’m weary
Not thinking clearly
I just can’t seem to find solid ground
Since you’ve been around

I’m running
I’m hiding
But you’ll never find me
'cause I’ve always felt lost in a crowd

I’m sinking
I’m drowning
I’m so afraid of losing
My head’s been spinning round and round
Since you’ve been around

I’m foolish and crazy
I just think that maybe I gotta things to figure out
I’m winning
I’m losing
I’m afraid of never choosing this heart of mine, so
Beaten down
Before you came around

Who is this being sung to?
I like to think about these things when I hear an interesting song.
And for this song, I can see two sides of a coin.
Singing to a loved one, or to God.

But for now,
I will just enjoy the poignant arrangement of these words. And let them speak on their own.

Psalm 86:12

Ever not want to hear something because then it would be true?
It would be real?
It would be life?

I am a runner. When something comes my way and it scares me, I like to run and hide.
Rather than dealing with uncomfortable, uncontrolable, or undesirable things, people, and situations, I may make preliminary decisions and then I will sweep the whole thing under the rug. I do not like this about myself and I work at changing.
I try not to be unconfrontational about most things in life, but some things are just too much. Too big. Too scary.
But hiding from the world does not make it stop existing. Life goes on in the midst of tragedy, people learn to cope, survive, and live. Life continues because it is. It just is.

Thank God for his Sovereign control, power, and plans over life.
I praise him for that.

Psalm 86:12
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.

Great Is Your Love -Ross King
I will praise you, oh Lord my God
With all of my heart I'll glorify your name forever.

I will praise you, oh Lord my God
(Great is your, love to me)
With all of my heart I'll glorify your name forever.
(You have delivered me)

Just to know you is to be alive,
Your love has lifted me up from my grave
You have rescued me from sin and I
Am blown away, its all that I can do to say...

Hear the passion of my prayer oh God
I have a desperate need to praise Your name
Your forgiveness and your mercy are
The only way, that I can get to you to say...

When I'm old.....

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

Having read James many times before, I finally read this passage and saw that it is really just a fancy way of the old saying that anything hard that you must endure is a way to 'build character.'

In response to complaints about frustrating or unfair things in a child's life, many times adults say that it is building character. Of course, this response is usually met with sighs and more complaints by the frustrated child.

However, after reading, reflecting, and hearing someone's thoughts on this very passage, I find that I have a new understanding.

Instead of responding in childish ways, I can respond in a different manner.
When responding to trials, I have the choice to either respond by relying on God, or I can become 1) resentful, 2) retaliatory, or 3) resigned.

Do I want to endure this process at the present moment?

No, not always.

But willl I endure?

Yes.


In light of the end result, I seek to endure, striving for patience and perseverance. For I want God to produce stability and spiritual maturity in my life.
Therefore, I endure through the present and temporal trials to receive the future and eternal results.

Also of great importance is the first part of verse two, 'Consider it pure joy,' or 'Count it all joy' in another version. We are to welcome, embrace, and find joy in times of trial and tribulation; as we struggle in facing trials, we are brought closer to God in a more meaningful relationship and intertwined existence.


So when I'm old, this is what I will tell people younger than me. Not only do trials simply 'build character,' it is written in the Bible, God's personal words to humans, that trials produce a rooted, established, and mature life in Christ.






I can count a million times
People asking me how
I can praise You
with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny
so tell me whats a little rain


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Choose

I CHOOSE LOVE… No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY… I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical… the tool of a lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE… I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE… I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS… I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS… I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS… Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL… I am a spiritual being… After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Max Lucado (When God Whispers Your Name)

metaphor for my life

“I will tell you what a tragedy is.

I will show you how to waste your life.

Consider this story from the February 1998 Reader’s Digest:
A couple ‘took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast
five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51. Now they live in
Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their 30-foot trawler,
play softball and collect shells. . . .’

Picture them before Christ at the great day of judgment:


‘Look, Lord. See my shells?'


That is a tragedy.



Wise words for how I've been feeling about my relationship with God lately. Not bad, but definitely not good. More like pathetic, apathetic, and most scary of all, complacent. I have not been awake and have not been watching God work and move. At the end of the day, the most frustrating thing for me is that I have not even been trying to work and move in this world for Him.

No.

I have been pathetically saying, 'Look, Lord. See my shells?'

Simple Things

It's the simple things in life that make me tick.

Being called 'Gwace' by cute little 3 year-olds.
Learning how to throw a football from the coolest little boy.
Smelling like a baby after having held one for a few hours.
Seeing it as a treat to make a funny noise while washing your hands.
Having everything you say repeated in two cute and low little voices.
Smelling a brewing storm in the air.
Having my hair blown around in the wind.
Watching for puddles on the ground.
People watching from a bench. or from my window.
Blasting whatever music you feel like in the moment in your car.
Eating parmesan pretzels.
Seeing little kids with big bellies.
Smelling fragrant flowers that remind you of home.
Getting to class on time.
Binge-reading. Reading for FUN!
Blogging/journaling.
Playing that amazing chord progression or phrase in a song, over and over again.
Swings.
Watching the best parts from your favorite movie.
Eating just about anything super chocolatey.
Getting paid for doing nothing.
Dreaming of home decorating.
Shopping with friends.
Dashing from place to place in the rain.
Exercising and pushing your body hard after a stressful day.
Seeing old, familiar faces in unexpected places.
Waking up with a smile on your face.
Taking naps.
Knowing that you truly earned that good grade.
Reading about other peoples' lives.
Taking pictures on amazing beautiful days.
Having joy.
Realizing I am not in control. and life is perfect that way!
Dreaming and praying about the future.
Being spontaneous with friends.
Making a fool of myself. And being loved for it.
Knowing the thrill of communicating in another language.
Helping out an unsuspecting person.
Wearing that outfit that always makes you feel hott/comfy/cozy/amazing.
Being complimented on days you didn't 'try.'
Eating childhood favorite recipes.
Spontaneously making yummy desserts.
Getting green lights.
Being introspective.
Feeling cozy, relaxed, and not being busy.
Crossing things off the 'to do' list.
Meeting randomly cool new people.
Seeing a cute person.
Being checked out by said person.
Giving and getting hugs.
Celebrating birthdays.
Surprises.
Reading the Bible.
Being challenged by God, friends, life.
Realizing who I am at my core: an introverted, placator. Always apologizing, giving people too many excuses, not realizing my own needs. I'm sorry.
Seeing guys act like little boys.
Reading favorite books over and over again.
Having windows blow in fresh air and sweet breezes.
Taking pictures with friends.
Acting goofy with kids.
Spending time with cousins.
Having honest conversations with friends and strangers.
Being blessed with cool roommates.
Getting the gift of a full gas tank.
Going on adventures with friends.
Driving with the windows down at night in the mountains.
Taking naps in hammocks.
Lazy Sunday afternoons.
Sleeping.
Sleeping in. And not needing an alarm!
Being captivated by beautiful skies. sunsets. clouds.
Living in California.
Being blessed to live in the USA.
Having enlightening teachers.
Having mentors and accountability partners.
Doing satisfying work.
Working hard until you're physically exhausted.
Using power tools.
Impressing your parents.
Heck, impressing anyone!
Surprising yourself.
Being outspoken on important things.
Finding cool photographers.
Getting House Beautiful in the mail.
Watching cheesy, silly movies.
Drinking tea.
Drinking chocolate soy milk.
Eating summer fruits.
Watching leaves fall.
Watching little kids play like there's no tomorrow.
Having summer vacation.
Learning about people.
Being involved in my community.
Being surprised with the 'magic number' at the atm.
Hanging out with positive and uplifting friends.
Knowing for once that you didn't procrastinate.
Creating with my hands.
Having memories connected to smells, songs, and colors.
Seeing glimpses of God.
Traveling outside my comfort zone.
Having people remember my name.
Knowing someone well enough to finish their thoughts or not needing to use words to have conversations.
Having predictable friends.
Cutting my hair short every spring!
Dreaming about 'what I want to be when I grow up.'
Forgetting to tell people I have a twin.
Outsmarting a kid.
Taking relaxing showers.
Walking around barefoot.
Painting my nails.
Wearing jewelry.
Falling asleep while watching a movie.
Eating cereal.
Being intrigued by crime shows.
Looking at old pictures.
Going to concerts.
Curling my hair.
Having meaningful conversations, and heart-to-hearts.
Realizing and thanking God for all his blessings.

Living life.

Pajama Day

Yep! I tottled around my apartment all day in my pajamas!
Now for most people this happens occasionally on Saturdays, but since I have been having busy and early mornings on Saturdays for about the last 2 months, today was the day. I believe I got my full 12 hours of sleep last night. maybe just a little shy of that but oh well. I tried :)
If you know me pretty well, you know that I function much better with long periods of rest. (Hence the childhood nickname Sleeping Beauty and the contest of seeing how late I could sleep past my sisters on Saturdays.)
However, if you also know me much at all, you know that I am a night owl and love to stay up late doing really pointless stuff. Like watching tv or movies, eating ice cream, doing on-line window shopping, or looking up recipes that I'll probably never make. or... -ahem, reading tons of blogs-
Now don't go thinking I'm a bad person for sleeping in so late on a Sunday. It is a day of rest after all and I like to go to church at night when I'm in Fresno.
It has been a rather relaxing day. Slept in late, had some crazy-weird dreams, made a simple lunch that somehow took a loong time, ate some chocolate covered strawberries (cassie- you probably shouldn't have offered them to me- they may be gone soon!), thought about going to the gym, sort of unconsciously decided not to go to the gym, talked to my seester on the phone and had to keep asking her the same question because I wasn't really listening to her, caught up on some blog stalking, and did the norm of avoiding homework. Maybe I'll do some later- I really need to start studying for some finals. I would LOVE to get A's in all of my classes- especially because I know I'm capable of doing so in most of them! Hmmmm I wonder what I got on that test on Friday? (An A???? Please God? I studied real hard!)
Okay so yeah, I have a few blogs to be posted soon- probably tonight. Gotta dash to get ready for church- yeah, should have done that after I woke up this morning :)
Who am I kidding? If I get married, the guy better know these flaws about me, needing tons of sleep and not getting 'ready for the day' (as my mom would say) until about 2 o'clock, and not getting much done in a day. And you know what? I'm praying for a guy that will love me for that! or maybe motivate me to get my butt moving earlier in the day!

PS: prayer request: God please give me some answers about a job and housing! I'm getting antsy and starting to lose hope! Ah! Give me peace and please keep the reminders coming that I do not have control over my life and your plans always win over mine. (Last night was a good reminder of that: good friend had her car broken into. Thanks God for blessings that will come out of her situation and thanks that it wasn't me!) Ta ta for now!

My Future

Having the ability to know tentatively what will happen in my future has been somewhat lacking in my life for the last year. So when I was able to register for classes on Wednesday, I was praising God for allowing me this treat of knowing what I am doing in my life much sooner than I have been able to know recently- in at least one important area- school!

Thank you God that I was able to add the classes I needed! After a few minor setbacks and dashed hopes, God answered my feeble prayers to place me in the right classes for my next semester at State and to pretty please, especially allow me the schedule I had planned:)

God does answer prayers, no matter how insignificant they seem! I was able to do something- with His help and that of a good new friend (Heidi), to plan a little bit more of my life. Doing such planning is always a stressful and hopeful thing for me. Now I need to focus more prayer on bigger things: finding/getting a summer job and finding out where and with whom I am going to live next semester! I would really like that one answered for me, and prefer it to be answered sooner, rather than later!!

Thanks again God for providing for me, reminding me of your amazing Sovereignty, giving me surprises, and for replacing my dour spirit with one of JOY!

{The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.}

-Amazing song, amazing truth, amazing verse: Psalm 145:8

My Prayer for Today

I made you promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?


Learning to trust God and completely give up my worries, dreams, and future to Him is quite amazing.
I have been learning lately that I really need to do this.
If I do not, I stand against God and I am plaqued by the devil.
It may seem a bit strange at first, but it's true.
I have learned the hard way that worry, anxiety, and most forms of stress are not of God but of the devil.
Therefore, I have to remind myself over and over again who I belong to, who I am living for (well, who I aim to live for), and I have to literally tell myself 'worry is not of God'.
Yes, a certain amount of stress is a part of life but what my mind has been wandering to lately is not right.
I do have to add that I don't always help myself out. I can do things to make things run smoothly. However, I am often forgetful, lazy, and do not want to actually put effort into things that are important.
School is a big example of that. Lately, I have been procrastinating a lot but honestly, it ends now.

Now, I am going to be proactive and truly live my life.

Simply Live
- Ephesians 4:1-
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

-Romans 12:12-
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."


I used to think this prayer was a load of baloney, but it really has helped me lately.
Things do not always have to come straight from the Bible to still contain bits of wisdom.
God grant me....
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

In uncertain times, I find myself drawn to lyrically based songs, phrases, and proverbs.
And you know what? I don't think that's a bad thing.
I really am a romantic at heart. I'm not such a negative and pessimistic person in my heart of hearts. Thank God for that :)

I am an instrument of the living God, my life a melody to his name.
More than the songs I sing, worship is everything
I live to glorify my King
Hear the song of my life, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, let it be a sweet, sweet sound
I raise this anthem high, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Through all the mire and clay You're washing me with grace
You carry me, oh Lord, through it all, so I will testify even in the fire
I live to praise my Savior
Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord And all creation will sing Hallelujah

There is Love, that came for us
Humbled to a sinner's cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the stormAnd through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defence
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

So let Your Name be lifted higher Be lifted higher Be lifted higher


He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves


I've been staring at the sky tonight, marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight, until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure, You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you, if the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic
Cause if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum................So you are the one I want

When the years are showing on my face, and my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place, from a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want



Sweet, sweet sound
Stronger
How He Loves
Arithmetic

Such wisdom beyond my years. I hope to one day attain this level of worship and awe of God to write a song such as these.

Hephalumps and Woozles

I feel I am in a quandry. I don't know what made me think of that word but there it is.

I feel I am stuck in a rut. In a horrible place I told myself I wouldn't go to ever again.

Responsibility. God. Life.

I feel that I am going everywhere at once and that the skin that encases my entire being is the only thing that keeps me from doing that.

I feel like I am bipolar. At one moment I am enjoying life, enjoying God; seeing, experiencing, and involved in things that bring me great joy to simply live a day on earth. The next moment, I find I loathe myself; I am irresponsible, I waste time, I covet things- menial, unimportant, temporary things. Ugh, I hate that. I hate it all. I become introverted, feeling like no one loves me, cares about me, or even really knows me. I find I am living a lie. Pretending to be happy and never succeeding.

This is all very depressing and ominous but I don't really care all that much. For whoever will read this, at least I will know that I have been completely honest and truthful, not hiding behind my cloak and secure way of living my life: doing good, trying hard, and failing.

I hate this cycle. I know like often evolves and moves in cycles, however, I find myself wishing I can somehow stop going with the current and start standing against it. I find that a simple illustration of this occurs in some of the displays of fish I love to watch at the aquarium. Every once in awhile you will see a little fish trying to swim the opposite way, trying to swim against an entire school of fish! I don't think I realized until just now why this is all so fascinating to me.

I am called to live my life this way. Living against the grain, going against my very own being and human nature.
I find that the only way I can do this is to realize who I am.
I am not that great of a person. I am not all that important in the grand scheme of things.
Yet, I am.
God calls me His own and to escape from myself, I need to realize all of this. However, I feel it gets quite old when I feel I am constantly going through such transitionary periods. Times of hating myself, feeling incapable, unworthy, and never accomplishing anything, even my simplest of goals.

Ugh. I need to escape. I need to get out of my head and live in the world around me. It makes me very glad to know I have people in my life who can sense when I need to escape from becoming too introverted and me-centered. I thank God for them and also for the moments that I do feel, and know that I am truly loved.
Maybe I question all of this for a reason. Maybe I am supposed to do this searching and evaluating and exploring for a reason. But really, how do I get here all these times? Why do I have to do this so often? Maybe it is because each time I take my focus off of God, when I become inconsistent in reading His Word, and failing to daily seek to hear Him, I become irrational, my thinking illogical, and my emotions highstrung and self-centered.
Hmm....this is such a recurrent thing for me, maybe it isn't a deeply rooted psychological problem I have.
Maybe I'm not really living in a world of hepalumps and woozles.
Maybe this is all just called life.