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Hi. You found me. Thanks for clicking over! Sit and stay awhile..... This is the view from my window... As I move around my little valley I call 'home,' I've had many different views & this is the one that I keep coming back to.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Hephalumps and Woozles

I feel I am in a quandry. I don't know what made me think of that word but there it is.

I feel I am stuck in a rut. In a horrible place I told myself I wouldn't go to ever again.

Responsibility. God. Life.
I feel that I am going everywhere at once and that the skin that encases my entire being is the only thing that keeps me from doing that.

I feel like I am bipolar. At one moment I am enjoying life, enjoying God; seeing, experiencing, and involved in things that bring me great joy to simply live a day on earth. The next moment, I find I loathe myself; I am irresponsible, I waste time, I covet things- menial, unimportant, temporary things. Ugh, I hate that. I hate it all. I become introverted, feeling like no one loves me, cares about me, or even really knows me. I find I am living a lie. Pretending to be happy and never succeeding.
This is all very depressing and ominous but I don't really care all that much. For whoever will read this, at least I will know that I have been completely honest and truthful, not hiding behind my cloak and secure way of living my life: doing good, trying hard, and failing.
I hate this cycle. I know like often evolves and moves in cycles, however, I find myself wishing I can somehow stop going with the current and start standing against it. I find that a simple illustration of this occurs in some of the displays of fish I love to watch at the aquarium. Every once in awhile you will see a little fish trying to swim the opposite way, trying to swim against an entire school of fish! I don't think I realized until just now why this is all so fascinating to me.

I am called to live my life this way. Living against the grain, going against my very own being and human nature.
I find that the only way I can do this is to realize who I am.
I am not that great of a person. I am not all that important in the grand scheme of things.
Yet, I am.
God calls me His own and to escape from myself, I need to realize all of this. However, I feel it gets quite old when I feel I am constantly going through such transitionary periods. Times of hating myself, feeling incapable, unworthy, and never accomplishing anything, even my simplest of goals.
Ugh. I need to escape. I need to get out of my head and live in the world around me. It makes me very glad to know I have people in my life who can sense when I need to escape from becoming too introverted and me-centered. I thank God for them and also for the moments that I do feel, and know that I am truly loved.
Maybe I question all of this for a reason. Maybe I am supposed to do this searching and evaluating and exploring for a reason. But really, how do I get here all these times? Why do I have to do this so often? Maybe it is because each time I take my focus off of God, when I become inconsistent in reading His Word, and failing to daily seek to hear Him, I become irrational, my thinking illogical, and my emotions highstrung and self-centered.
Hmm....this is such a recurrent thing for me, maybe it isn't a deeply rooted psychological problem I have.
Maybe I'm not really living in a world of hepalumps and woozles.
Maybe this is all just called life.

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