Fifty

I thought my fiftieth post should be something interesting, unique, and worthwhile.
I think I found something that is all three things.
I especially like a few towards the end, and the middle, and the beginning. Oops, I think I like it all! Take a look:

The following was written by Regina Brett, a 90 year old woman from Cleveland, Ohio.
To celebrate growing older, she wrote this list of lessons that life has taught her.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and your parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It is more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that is not useful, beautiful, or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
18. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, do not take no for an answer.
20. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
21. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
22. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
23. The most important sex organ is the brain.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so called disaster with the words, “In five years, will this matter?”
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative…dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside everyday. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all throw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else’s, we would grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Craziness

And just like that, everyone is gone.



Your warm whispers
Out of the dark they carry my heart...
Your warm whispers
Keeping the noise from breaking through



Exhausted from not sleeping at all last night.
Achy. Contemplative. Tired. Worn out. Kaput. Stressed. Freaked.


Yes, it's the Saturday before finals. However, I've been fighting off a cold for 8 days now (I will resist!), I have had some major tests & things due the past 2 weeks at school, my sisters came to celebrate the oldest ones' birthday on Thursday (yeah 26! Yay Becca!), and then my (barely older) sister graduated last night! So proud of her (it's hard to express in words), but with graduation night came tons of family staying in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment (which is rather spacious for two, but definitely TINY for nine!....yeah. that was an experience). And then of course, what is a graduation without a party to celebrate with your college friends? On Monday, the decision was made to have a party, the time changed a few times before Thursday, and it was ABSOLUTE CRAZINESS an hour before the party. However, everything was made/cooked/arranged on time and very nicely! With a big thanks to Mom (cook), Dad (Christmas light stringer), Becca (wall decorator), and Kelly (odds & ends: cooking & decorating)....everything looked and tasted great! The party was soo much fun (once everyone got there) even with the sporadic rain and fun was had by all. Taboo, MadGab, and a bunch of friends (new and old) and family make for a fun time! So yeah, I find myself at the end of this morning super tired, drained, stressed, freaked out, discouraged, contemplative, and sad.
Why sad? I ask myself.
I don't know for certain, but I do know it is partly because I chose not to go to my great aunt's memorial service in Bakersfield. It's actually starting right now (well at 1:30). I'm sad that I am missing it, missing time with relatives, and that I won't get to hear more memories and stories about my aunt. However, I know that she (just like my mom did this morning) would encourage me to take care of the important things so I won't make myself sick. I did go to her burial service, and honestly, I know with how little sleep I got last night, that I would be an emotional wreck, furthering my stress and anxiety. So, the trip to Bako was a no go, but I am determined to get a lot accomplished, take a nap, and then SNAP OUT OF IT!
Crazy times like these remind me of how much I have to be thankful for. Although my family may seem crazy at times, I love each person very much and I'm already sad everyone is gone :)
I know, I'm still feeling bipolar okay? :)
Thanks for snuggling with me in my bed this morning Rach! Your sensitivity this morning and attempts at making me smile were wonderful (and treasured)! Love you nighty-whitey!




Update: Please do not read into the part of Rach's graduation as me being sarcastic or anything short of proud.
I am simply super emotional right now and stressed (not excuses- just explanations).
And sad.

"Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep

I'll be right here
I'll stay awake

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe
As long as you need me."

Christmas!

It's December 5th
+
Natalie Grant's Home for Christmas cassette tape is blasting from the tape deck
=
the Christmas season is officially here!


Now, it's time to
eat mint M&M's,
buy peppermint ice cream, and
make Christmas shaped sugar cookies!!!

Disjointed and Convoluted

Lately I have this thing where:

I seriously and truly love my job!
I am learning so much about writing, about myself, and about people. Life is weird but people are cool. Thanks for it all God!
However, I secretly hope that anyone who goes to log in will not be needing my help. Weird. I know.

I cry about my aunt from any Christian song I hear on the radio.

I can't seem to tell time or read clocks very well.

I can't seem to do basic math functions very well (addition/subtraction).

I'm super introverted in that I didn't go ANYWHERE but my apt. and school for SIX DAYS.

I haven't played my guitar in over four months.
I want to badly, but somehow I'm avoiding it.
(I don't see how I will ever improve until that logic changes.)

I have crazy dreams about a few regrets from last semester.
God, are you trying to tell me something about those relationships that ended badly?

I have been horrible with managing my time lately.



I'm at the end of my rope.

I feel bipolar.

And I blog lately about my thoughts and prayer requests for God.
I guess it's just personal now. Even though anyone in the world could be reading this.
Not that anyone does read this.


The end.

ah.ha.ha.ha.hahaha

I love sisters.
And computers.

Except when the latter decides to go cuh-razy tom and FREEZE.



While sitting next to said sister on the couch, I overheard this conversation:

Stupid computer!! WORK!






(said much quieter).....please work?!

Seriously God?

...........Seriously God?
.I feel bipolar...
.Like really, truly, bipolar.



I am so FREAKIN stressed out, have waAY too much to do, and I have so many things weighing down my heart my heart......
....and I simply canNOT get everything done in one day.

But YOU give me joy.

You allow me to see beauty in ashes,
you are the bread and the wine.
You are all I need. (Woot JJ Heller!)

You are teaching me so much through EVERY single song I hear lately!
And then, of course, I cry about something in it.


But, time and time again, there are a few songs that I cannot stop thinking about.
And this is one of them:



I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You

What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You



...................Matt Maher: Alive Again


Thank you for giving me JOY God!
Thank you for your provisions and for making me fall asleep when I simply cannot deal with anything else in my day!

Before I go, a few requests for the next few days:
...Peaceful, deep and restful sleep!
...An appetite! I need to eat more, and eat healthier meals!
...Confidence and time management to finish everything I need to before December 16th.
...A few answers to some questions would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!
...A spirit of perseverance.
...And finally, JOY!

Quote of the day...

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela

Auntie 'Nore

I miss you so much right now.

How can you be gone?

The littlest things make my thoughts turn to you.




God meet me here in my grief.

Yup

Candles?
Check.

Computer?
Check.

Music?
Check.

Drink?
Check.

Comfy shoes?
Check.

BUTTLOAD of things to do before going to bed?
CHECK!!





Aah. The crummy life of a week before finals.










A few deep breaths and I think I'll make it!

Candles lit.
Computer on and raring to go.
iTunes open and Fiction Family playing.
Iced tea on the coaster.
Uggs.
16 million-trillion-kaZILLION things written down to do before the night ends.


Oh, and a blog about it all :)

Yesterday

was the day that I finally broke down.

My great aunt Lenore died on Thanksgiving night.

And yesterday was the day that I broke down.
While driving home, I turned on the radio while coming to a stoplight and was immediately blown away. The song said,

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together,
. God

So hold me now


After hearing this, I broke down crying. I knew that I had a ton of stuff jumbled in my head since I heard about my aunt's death.
Unanswered questions, anger, frustration, confusion, and worry swirled around my head and heart whenever I fell asleep or woke up.

Along with some other things (crazy stress from school), I found that I was literally making myself sick whenever I slowed down enough to actually think about heavy things.

And you know what?

While I was crying, I realized that God is funny. Because as I was waiting for the light to change so I could turn, I noticed the girl in the car in front of me.
She was obviously listening to some music and seriously rocking out.


And I do mean, Rocking Out.


And in that moment, I laughed.

In my confusion, anger, doubt, frustration, and growing anxieties that were threatening to make me so sick that I could throw up, I was able to laugh and be touched by God. The girls' dancing, fist pumps in the air, and shaking car reminded me that God brings joy, peace, and hope in the midst of trials. Although I was horribly overwhelmed, I was touched by joy, grace, and hope. I KNEW that although I did not have any answers to the questions I desperately asked of God, he heard me in that moment and showed me Himself.

I realized how hard I had been trying to maintain the slivers of control I had over my days, desperately grasping the straws that were being yanked out of my hands. I was not in control but God was.

I am not in control. God is.

I am man and He is God. He is God and I am not.

I write this not trying to sound tooty-faluty but to have this serve as a reminder of that God-breathed moment in my life, this marvelous dosage of much needed perspective.



Oh and when I was almost home I saw the girl in front of me again.
She was still dancing.