My Future

Having the ability to know tentatively what will happen in my future has been somewhat lacking in my life for the last year. So when I was able to register for classes on Wednesday, I was praising God for allowing me this treat of knowing what I am doing in my life much sooner than I have been able to know recently- in at least one important area- school!

Thank you God that I was able to add the classes I needed! After a few minor setbacks and dashed hopes, God answered my feeble prayers to place me in the right classes for my next semester at State and to pretty please, especially allow me the schedule I had planned:)

God does answer prayers, no matter how insignificant they seem! I was able to do something- with His help and that of a good new friend (Heidi), to plan a little bit more of my life. Doing such planning is always a stressful and hopeful thing for me. Now I need to focus more prayer on bigger things: finding/getting a summer job and finding out where and with whom I am going to live next semester! I would really like that one answered for me, and prefer it to be answered sooner, rather than later!!

Thanks again God for providing for me, reminding me of your amazing Sovereignty, giving me surprises, and for replacing my dour spirit with one of JOY!

{The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.}

-Amazing song, amazing truth, amazing verse: Psalm 145:8

My Prayer for Today

I made you promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?


Learning to trust God and completely give up my worries, dreams, and future to Him is quite amazing.
I have been learning lately that I really need to do this.
If I do not, I stand against God and I am plaqued by the devil.
It may seem a bit strange at first, but it's true.
I have learned the hard way that worry, anxiety, and most forms of stress are not of God but of the devil.
Therefore, I have to remind myself over and over again who I belong to, who I am living for (well, who I aim to live for), and I have to literally tell myself 'worry is not of God'.
Yes, a certain amount of stress is a part of life but what my mind has been wandering to lately is not right.
I do have to add that I don't always help myself out. I can do things to make things run smoothly. However, I am often forgetful, lazy, and do not want to actually put effort into things that are important.
School is a big example of that. Lately, I have been procrastinating a lot but honestly, it ends now.

Now, I am going to be proactive and truly live my life.

Simply Live
- Ephesians 4:1-
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

-Romans 12:12-
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."


I used to think this prayer was a load of baloney, but it really has helped me lately.
Things do not always have to come straight from the Bible to still contain bits of wisdom.
God grant me....
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

In uncertain times, I find myself drawn to lyrically based songs, phrases, and proverbs.
And you know what? I don't think that's a bad thing.
I really am a romantic at heart. I'm not such a negative and pessimistic person in my heart of hearts. Thank God for that :)

I am an instrument of the living God, my life a melody to his name.
More than the songs I sing, worship is everything
I live to glorify my King
Hear the song of my life, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, let it be a sweet, sweet sound
I raise this anthem high, let it be a sweet, sweet sound, let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Through all the mire and clay You're washing me with grace
You carry me, oh Lord, through it all, so I will testify even in the fire
I live to praise my Savior
Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord And all creation will sing Hallelujah

There is Love, that came for us
Humbled to a sinner's cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the stormAnd through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defence
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

So let Your Name be lifted higher Be lifted higher Be lifted higher


He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
Yeah, He loves us.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves


I've been staring at the sky tonight, marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight, until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind, it never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure, You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs, one sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you, if the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic
Cause if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum................So you are the one I want

When the years are showing on my face, and my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place, from a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want



Sweet, sweet sound
Stronger
How He Loves
Arithmetic

Such wisdom beyond my years. I hope to one day attain this level of worship and awe of God to write a song such as these.

Hephalumps and Woozles

I feel I am in a quandry. I don't know what made me think of that word but there it is.

I feel I am stuck in a rut. In a horrible place I told myself I wouldn't go to ever again.

Responsibility. God. Life.

I feel that I am going everywhere at once and that the skin that encases my entire being is the only thing that keeps me from doing that.

I feel like I am bipolar. At one moment I am enjoying life, enjoying God; seeing, experiencing, and involved in things that bring me great joy to simply live a day on earth. The next moment, I find I loathe myself; I am irresponsible, I waste time, I covet things- menial, unimportant, temporary things. Ugh, I hate that. I hate it all. I become introverted, feeling like no one loves me, cares about me, or even really knows me. I find I am living a lie. Pretending to be happy and never succeeding.

This is all very depressing and ominous but I don't really care all that much. For whoever will read this, at least I will know that I have been completely honest and truthful, not hiding behind my cloak and secure way of living my life: doing good, trying hard, and failing.

I hate this cycle. I know like often evolves and moves in cycles, however, I find myself wishing I can somehow stop going with the current and start standing against it. I find that a simple illustration of this occurs in some of the displays of fish I love to watch at the aquarium. Every once in awhile you will see a little fish trying to swim the opposite way, trying to swim against an entire school of fish! I don't think I realized until just now why this is all so fascinating to me.

I am called to live my life this way. Living against the grain, going against my very own being and human nature.
I find that the only way I can do this is to realize who I am.
I am not that great of a person. I am not all that important in the grand scheme of things.
Yet, I am.
God calls me His own and to escape from myself, I need to realize all of this. However, I feel it gets quite old when I feel I am constantly going through such transitionary periods. Times of hating myself, feeling incapable, unworthy, and never accomplishing anything, even my simplest of goals.

Ugh. I need to escape. I need to get out of my head and live in the world around me. It makes me very glad to know I have people in my life who can sense when I need to escape from becoming too introverted and me-centered. I thank God for them and also for the moments that I do feel, and know that I am truly loved.
Maybe I question all of this for a reason. Maybe I am supposed to do this searching and evaluating and exploring for a reason. But really, how do I get here all these times? Why do I have to do this so often? Maybe it is because each time I take my focus off of God, when I become inconsistent in reading His Word, and failing to daily seek to hear Him, I become irrational, my thinking illogical, and my emotions highstrung and self-centered.
Hmm....this is such a recurrent thing for me, maybe it isn't a deeply rooted psychological problem I have.
Maybe I'm not really living in a world of hepalumps and woozles.
Maybe this is all just called life.