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Hi. You found me. Thanks for clicking over! Sit and stay awhile..... This is the view from my window... As I move around my little valley I call 'home,' I've had many different views & this is the one that I keep coming back to.

Monday, December 13, 2010

bittersweet, part dos

*This was written December 13th, 2010.
Context: during finals week. Starting to separate from college life & all it entailed.*


this is the second time on this little blog that I have written about life being bittersweet.

Right now, in this time of life,
my life tastes very bittersweet.

I am seeing the completion of a few life goals (graduate college & think about the future).

With that,
I am now experiencing the end of a very awesome period in my life.

College was awesome, I have learned so many things,
been to soo many schools,
done so many things,
studied so many subjects,
discovered new passions,
delighted in new friendships,
had a very great, rewarding, and teaching job,
moved so many times,
gone so many places,
met many interesting people,
lived life with so many different people,
learned to live life with a different purpose, passion, and heart,
grown,
matured,
retreated from fears,
learned to conquer fears with God's help,
cooked many interesting things,
worked out out of my own volition for the first time in my life :) and learned what I liked about exercise,
spoken to very interesting people,
lived with and apart from others I loved,
explored new places,
got lost a few times,
changed,
and then changed again,
experienced loss,
and experienced gain,
learned a new language (or two:),
received smiles, high-fives, hugs, and handshakes from new people,
learned how to throw a football for the first time (it only took 21 years:),
tried new foods,
gone to bed in the wee hours of the morning,
sung Happy Birthday to friends I never could have expected to have,
was challenged by an outrageously large amount of people,
was taught by said amount of people,
had different hairstyles,
shared clothes with friends,
lived close and far away to school,
had my first tastes of alcohol (blegh),
started to vote more informed,
got my first jury duty notice,
became hooked on Friends,
experienced holidays with and apart from family,
met tons of cool kids,
worked hard in school and made the Dean's List!,
received my first ticket(s),
made plans, and then changed them (many times :),
learned how to use Facebook :),
learned how to crochet,
started blogging,
discovered the joys of etsy,
went outside my comfort zone,
met some really cool highschoolers,
volunteered at a burgeoning thrift store,
went on many trips with friends,
had some very fun times with my fellow WWS'rs (my sisters!)
attended and slowly, but surely, became very involved in my church,
was baptized!,
had lots of free time,
became intrigued by design,
started seriously dreaming about the future,
really and truly learned & experienced the meaning of my name,
lived with my sister! (and loved it:),
cooked bacon for the first time,
interned at an awesome hospital,
watched my sister (and tons of friends) graduate from college,
gone to weddings of close friends,
shared in joyous and somber moments with friends,
and started to realize I was growing up.

Among these things,
I think that I valued above other things what I learned from other people, myself, and from God.
The interactions, relationships, and friendships God blessed me with in children and adults alike, allowed me to learn a lot about myself, humans, and about God.
Throughout the past five years of my life,
I have seen many pleasant, unpleasant, expected, and unexpected things happen.
I have experienced death, life, marriage, divorce, betrayal, confusion, conditional and unconditional love, joy, fear, sorrow, delight, hope, discouragement, growth, stretching, teaching, instructing, knowledge, ignorance, oblivion, awareness, grace, forgiveness, repentance, encouragement, & truth...........among other things :)


In the end,
. God,
. Fresno,
. friends, &
. family-
you have been very good to me for the last five years!
Thanks :)

the one where Grace is verbose

You choose.

Please take the choice from me.

For You know the best choice for me.
You know the best plans for my life.
YOU have all the plans for my life.

So, you choose!

Please do not give the choice to me.
I have already shown how I can mess that up.
Please do not give it to me.

.Take.it.away.

And please do not give it back.

Do not give it back until I'm ready.
Until You have decided.

Please show me what You have chosen.
Please reveal to me what You decide for my life.

You have given me these hopes, fears, and dreams for a reason.
I know that.
But,
please show me what to do with them.

Once I get some perspective and feel a little more capable of figuring things out,
you throw me a curve ball.
And it's only a curve ball because I didn't plan it! Ha! The audacity I have sometimes. ugh.

So, please.
Please choose.
And do not even let me try.
Do not even let me start trying to figure things out.
I just can't do it.
I cannot do it anymore.
And I cannot do it for it is not my job to do.
.
.
..
..
...
...
..
..
..
...
...
..
.
.
And then I realize.

You have chosen!

I open my eyes,
look up,
look around me,
and see that, in reality, the only choice I had was to give you the choice.

I wanted to be selfish though.

I wanted to live for myself,
to accomplish my goals,
to live my dreams,
to have my needs met,
to do what I wanted to do,
to live for Grace and Grace only,
to have my life happen just how I planned it.
To live a life not of Your heart, but one where Satan wormed his way in and took over.
To live a life of hedonistic, prideful, oblivious, self.

But that is not what you ask of me or give to me.
You give me opportunities, hopes, and dreams merely as a glimpse into your plans.
You do this to help me realize that you are orchestrating my life.
Your handiwork is all over every single bit of my life.
Your fingerprints are smudged over everything!
For, you give me life!

So, please,
take away my manipulation,
take away my fear,
take away my aggravation,
take away my need to control,
take away my neediness,
take away my co-dependence,
take away my jealousy,
take away my selfishness,
take away my envy,
take away my pride,
take away my incorrect perspective,
take away my self-driven thoughts, ways of living, and ways of relating to others.

Instead,
please.....
give me a new perspective,
give me opened-eyes to see your fingerprints in my life,
give me new dreams,
give me appropriate goals,
give me confidence,
give me (a) passion,
teach me to be content,
continue to humble me,
bring me to my knees daily,
show me hope,
light my way,
guide my feet, heart, and hands,
and if you want,
give me opportunities,
even better hopes, dreams, and goals
 a burning passion of desiring you in ev.er.y. aspect of my life,
rationality,
peace,
solitude,
and responsibility.

Thank you for being You,
and keeping me...well,... me!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

sounds

Silence.

and then....

Tick.


It's funny how just hearing that little sound can make me feel all warm and cozy inside.

Whenever I hear the heater click on I just feel all yummy inside.
As in, I practically jump in bed because I just love, love, love to fall asleep after the heater clicks back on.


Weird, I know.
But amazing :)


I do the same thing when I hear horns of trains late at night.
Except that I don't.
Whenever I hear a train horn late at night, I .literally smile.

Why? you may ask.

Well, I'll tell ya.
I think it might be because I'm a night owl.
And when I'm staying up super late at night and it's very quite all around, you can hear these things.
Also, when I would get ready for bed late at night at home at my parents house, when I lived in dorms in college, and even now in my second apartment, I just love hearing that sound late at night.

And it literally makes me smile.
Like: insert.smile.here.
right..now....

:)

Anyways, just a little note on comforting sounds :)
Gnight!

If I hurry, I'll be in bed before the morning :)

23 things

General to specific, easy to hard, here is my list of

23 things to do before I'm 24:

1. start an etsy shop  (which really means, create a brand, product line, & business plan & then open it :)
2. organize & attack lists of craft ideas/projects
3. learn how to crochet more stitches and (attempt to) make a granny square blanket
4. road trip w/my sis to a new place...cause, uhh.....we both graduated from college! bout time :)
5. read through another book of the Bible, maybe 1 Corinthians or Romans?
6. research & apply for CL internships in CA
7. get involved in another children's or youth ministry/volunteer organization again
8. visit RSM again
9. make lacy's (cookies)
10. crochet a granny square
11. play my guitar again
12. get my very own typewriter (in working condition)
13. visit a friend in another city
14. get a polaroid/instax camera
15. visit family (G&G's) just because
16. make beef bourguignon
17. get Dad to cash in on his target shooting Christmas 09 gift :)
18. move?
19. work hard to meet new people
20. find a church
21. make new friends & keeping the old (one is silver & the other gold. so clever. I know.)
22. having my "yes be yes," and "no be no"
23. becoming a person dedicated to praying. every day. with intentionality

& that's all folks!
Here's to another 5ish months of being 23!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

After...

After having a mini cry fest earlier this afternoon about the bitter sweetness of graduating from college (leaving the comfortable schedule and routine of school) and leaving my job at school (with awesome people, an awesome boss, and awesome experiences),
I decided to stop that nonsense and start something fun!

So, I found some cheery Christmas music (read: Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas music),
boiled water for some Earl Grey tea,
started cooking some couscous,
heated up some yummy broccoli,
warmed up some chicken,
and micro'd some garbonzo beans.

I combined #s 1, 3, & 4 of the warmed up food,
dipped in the tea bag, and sat down to watch some hulu :)

Our God Is Love

This is an awesome song by Hillsong that I just LOVE!!
We learned it at church a month ago and it is just such an amazing expression of love and thankfulness to God!



Our God Is Love - HillsongEvery soul every beating heart
Every nation and every tongue
Come find hope in the love of the Father

All creation will bow as one
Lift their eyes to the risen Son
Jesus Savior forever and after

This is love!
Jesus came and died and gave His life for us
Let our voices rise and sing for all He's done
Our fear is overcome
Our God is love
Our God is love

Every distant and broken heart
Every prayer every outstretched arm
Finding hope in the love of the Father

Age to age let His praises rise
All the glory for all of time
Jesus Savior forever and after

Age to age we will be singing In the light of all He's done
All the earth everyone singing
In the wonder of His love

This is love!
Jesus came and died and gave His life for us
Let our voices rise and sing for all He's done
Our fear is overcome
Our God is love
Our God is love

Wednesday, December 1, 2010