was the day that I finally broke down.
My great aunt Lenore died on Thanksgiving night.
And yesterday was the day that I broke down.
While driving home, I turned on the radio while coming to a stoplight and was immediately blown away. The song said,
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together,
So hold me now
After hearing this, I broke down crying. I knew that I had a ton of stuff jumbled in my head since I heard about my aunt's death.
Unanswered questions, anger, frustration, confusion, and worry swirled around my head and heart whenever I fell asleep or woke up.
Along with some other things (crazy stress from school), I found that I was literally making myself sick whenever I slowed down enough to actually think about heavy things.
And you know what?
While I was crying, I realized that God is funny. Because as I was waiting for the light to change so I could turn, I noticed the girl in the car in front of me.
She was obviously listening to some music and seriously rocking out.
And I do mean, Rocking Out.
And in that moment, I laughed.
In my confusion, anger, doubt, frustration, and growing anxieties that were threatening to make me so sick that I could throw up, I was able to laugh and be touched by God. The girls' dancing, fist pumps in the air, and shaking car reminded me that God brings joy, peace, and hope in the midst of trials. Although I was horribly overwhelmed, I was touched by joy, grace, and hope. I KNEW that although I did not have any answers to the questions I desperately asked of God, he heard me in that moment and showed me Himself.
I realized how hard I had been trying to maintain the slivers of control I had over my days, desperately grasping the straws that were being yanked out of my hands. I was not in control but God was.
I am not in control. God is.
I am man and He is God. He is God and I am not.
I write this not trying to sound tooty-faluty but to have this serve as a reminder of that God-breathed moment in my life, this marvelous dosage of much needed perspective.
Oh and when I was almost home I saw the girl in front of me again.
She was still dancing.