Monday, January 25, 2010
Ugh, I am so contemplative today.
I can't stop thinking.
I'm super sad for some reason. And I just want to be happy.
It's tiring trying to live off of emotions.
I need some hope, purpose, inspiration, a glimmer of passion.
Please answer my cries God.
I remember a time two years ago when I was on a trip to a Christian event.
It was a really built up, dramatic thing.
I felt so out of place. Just like I do now.
I was supposed to experience a great high; change my life.
But I didn't.
The whole time I was there, I saw people connecting with God. Being revived by the words spoken just for them. I remember crying to God and asking him to be there for me.
He was meeting the needs of so many people in the large building.
But he was not there for me.
Rewind back to the beginning of the trip.
I was sitting in the backseat of one of the vans taking ridiculous pictures with my sister and our good friend.
I felt the disconnect even in the beginning of the trip.
I longed for God, but he was not there.
He was not answering me.
While getting to the beginning of the grapevine, it started raining.
Then, the whole car became quiet as the rain turned into a downpour and snow even started to fall. The driver could barely see a few feet in front of him. I was so grateful to be in the back, and for a moment, pretend to be a much younger version of myself. One who did silly things with my friends and didn't know how to drive and couldn't see the dangerous weather.
However, for one fleeting moment, I looked out of the back window.
And squinting my eyes, I saw a rainbow. Growing faint in the darkening sky and worsening weather, the rainbow quickly grew harder and harder to see.
But God was there.
Seeing the rainbow through the gray skies and rain covered window, I remembered God's promise to never flood the earth again.
And for that moment, I was okay.
Life still wasn't perfect or back to some semblance of normal, but I had heard God's whispering voice.
And as I quickly tried to grab a picture of the whisper spoken to me, I realize now that I was meant to go on that entire trip for that small moment. If only for that one.
God heard me, met me, and spoke to my spirit.
I remember God.
And Please do so again.