late one Sunday night

In the spring of 2011, I arrived home to my apartment late one Sunday night after going to church & doing errands to find multiple emergency vehicles going into our apartment complex. After a lot of confusion and wondering, I found out the next day, that my neighbor had committed suicide earlier that night.
He lived in the apartment directly diagonal from mine.
I never met him.
I didn't even know his name.


A few days later, his former fiance came to pack up his/their things.
What I wish I would have said:

***********

I'm sorry for your loss.

***********

I really am truly sorry for your loss.
No matter how you are feeling about it now.
Ambivalent, mad, sad, hurt, whatever.
I'm sorry.

***********

I wish I had said hi before this.

***********
 

I'm sorry I never tried to truly know you. Until now.

***********

I wish I had known, truly known, him before he was gone & you are moving on.

***********

We were neighbors for goodness sake! And I'm sorry that I forgot it enough to not do anything.

***********

Even if we never said it, we care. People care.

***********

Do you know God?

***********

God loves you and he sent his son to save you.

***********

Even if it seems like he's not there.
And you don't have hope.
Or answers.
Or direction.
Or love.


***********
 

God is with you and cares for you.

Gracious Uncertainty

Oswald Chambers devotional

from My Utmost For His Highest (April 29th)

Gracious Uncertainty

"...it has not yet been revealed what we shall be..." (1 John 3:2)

Our natural inclination is to be so precise--trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next--that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life--gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God--it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, "...unless you...become as little children..." (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, "...believe also in Me" (John 14:1), not, "Believe certain things about Me." Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in--but you can be certain that He will come.
Remain faithful to Him.

.........
Oh! What truth! What wisdom! What divine inspiration from God!

Every so often, I do that thing that you're not supposed to do.

I say, "God, teach me/give me something for today wherever I end up." Then I flip open my Bible and start reading for God's divine message.

We're typically not encouraged to do this, because it's almost a way of testing God/His divine Word.
When we don't 'find' or 'get' something that day, it's easy to dismiss God's power of divinely teaching through his Word and divinely orchestrating everything in our day.

However, today I wanted to try it. Not to test God, but to see what might happen.
Oh! The possibilities!

And God gave me this devotional. Yes, he knew I might read it years from now with different needs and areas for learning, but I believe he planned for me to read it this very day as well.

There are a lot of things up in the air for me right now. A LOT of uncertainty.

And on a good day, I am believe God's Word, remember His truth, abide in His promises.
But those are quickly followed by doubt, mistrust, fear, worry, and panic -sometimes so overwhelming that I forget God and His promises. All truth flees my mind.

I have been learning that when this happens, at the root, I'm truly just trying to control my life and figure it all out. When I do so, I become fearful, stuck in doubt, and rooted in worry.....basically, miserable.

But, Oh!
After reading Chambers' words,
being reminded of God's great love for me (John 3:16),
and remembering His promises of never leaving/forsaking me (Deut. 31:6),
and remembering that He keeps all of His promises (Ps. 145:13),
and remembering that God gives me what I need at the proper time & satisfies every desire (Ps. 145:15, 16, 19)
There is such freedom in Christ.
In knowing God and His truth.
In abiding in His image, identity, and love for me"...gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God."

.................................
I choose that today.
.................................

I choose to live in gracious uncertainty and breathless expectation.

Live modestly

Life Lessons / Expertise

Don't put every thing on the line.
I set aside money for playing poker, and I risk only
a small amount of it on each game. You can't take
advantage of big financial opportunities (a passion,
a new job, a potential investment) if you're too
stretched. That means you need to maintain a lifestyle
that's more modest than you can actually afford. Even
then, you should never put all your time or cash into
one venture. The odds of ruin are just too high.

Annie Duke is a Los Angeles-based professional
poker player. She won the World Series of Poker
Tournament of Champions in 2004 and the
National Heads-Up Poker Championship in 2010.
via Real Simple: February 2012.

God's Love Letter

    It is enjoyment in an ultimate victory that can be expressed
 only in the high language of poetry, not the low language
 of fact. What can we prove about Christ's coming in glory?
 Nothing. It is far beyond the language of limited proof. Indeed,
 our entire faith rests on a joyous acceptanceof the factually
 impossible. When we celebrate Christmas we are celebrating
 that amazing time when the Word that shouted all the galaxies
 into being, limited all power, and for love of us came to us
 in the powerless body of a human baby. My faith is based on
 this incredible act of love, and if my faith is real it will be ex-
pressed in how I live my life, but it is outside the realm of lab-
oratory or scientific proof. God--the holy and magnificent
 Creator of all the galaxies and solar systems and planets and
 oceans and forests and living creatures--came to live with us,
 not because we are good and morally virtuous and what
 God's creation ought to be, but precisely for the opposite rea-
son, because we are stiff-necked and arrogant and sinful and
 stupid. We have indeed strayed from God's ways like lost sheep.
     God still loves us so much that Christ, the second person of
 the Trinity, the Word, came to live with us as one of us,
and all for love.

December 27 (p 333-334) of Madeleine L'Engle's Glimpses of Grace

Here are some commercials I've been loving lately:







For some reason I started watching birth announcement videos on youtube.
This one is my favorite : )



And yes, I may have teared up a little : )
Hormonal much? : )

Lately,
I've been out of sorts;
had messed up priorities;
felt greedy,
whiney,
tired,
complainy,
hopeless,
joy-less,
dull,
funky,
all-about-me.

It hasn't been fun.

Nope. Not at all.

And a big part of it has been because I've been living like my life is about me.
But you know what? My life is NOT about me.

The last couple have weeks have been a struggle.
Although I've done fun things and filled my days really full (something that really only stresses me out).
One might think I have it all together.
Truth: I'm far from it.

The main reason why I've felt so disconnected, blah, introverted, and analytical lately:
I somehow stopped praying.
You know, really, truly praying.

One reason why is because I've felt discontented, undesired, and just plain blah.
That's going to stop. Right now.
Getting on top of it pronto.

See, I was reading my favorite book from summer and it hit me, I need to pray!
I need to be praying!

A good reminder via pinterest:

Source: etsy.com via Grace on Pinterest

My sister got a teaching job yesterday.
And she starts teaching on Tuesday.

She has two.whole.days to get her classroom & everything else ready before little bodies and little eyes will show up and require teaching.

Source: etsy.com via Grace on Pinterest

And my other sister got in a car accident earlier tonight.
A chain reaction accident.
Where she was (literally quoting my Dad), "The bologna in the sandwich."
Yep, the middle car = the front and back of her car were both squashed.
The airbag deployed and she has a sore hand and face.
And no car.

Source: silentfears.tumblr.com via Grace on Pinterest

It's in times like these that I start to lose it.
I can't fix everyone's problems.
I can't be in two cities at once.
I can't give either of them a hug because I'm needed at my parent's house.

So, I'm stuck.


It's at times like these,
that all I want to do is give into
the fear.
the anger.
the frustration.
the envy.
the jealousy.
the bitterness.
the hate.
.....the sin.

Source: theloganfamily.wordpress.com via Cheri on Pinterest

When things don't go right, get messy, and I can feel the control over my life slip through my fingers,
it's easy to want to give into the sin.
To want to turn away from God and his promises.
To want to blame and make accusations.

Source: beautifuljourneyblog.com via Grace on Pinterest

And when I want to give into the sin, that is exactly when I pray to God,
"God, please grab a hold of these thoughts and feelings and take them away.
As far as the east is from the west.
Grab Satan by the collar and get him out of my mind and my heart.
And you, Satan, do NOT come back. Do not hang around and steal away my trust and faith in God.
Because you know what?! Although it would be easy, I am not going to put my trust or faith in you."

Source: faithinspiration.tumblr.com via Grace on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Grace on Pinterest

Source: typographicverses.tumblr.com via Grace on Pinterest