Okay God,

....you got me thinking!

I want to know my holy discontent so badly that sometimes I feel that I'm simply choosing it sometimes. When I hear someone speak about something that they are passionate about, I find myself relating, nodding my head, and thinking 'yes! Something does need to change!'

Hmmmm......yes, I'm struggling but I'm getting there. And okay, God. I have a few ideas and I think that this might be one of them. I mean, I'm already a super shopaholic and impulse shopper, so maybe this is what you're trying to tell me? Along with being a good steward of my money for the advantages it brings for my future, maybe I should be a good steward of the items that I am buying.


So, here it is...enjoy and be changed, forever.

Not at Target

While visiting my friend at the children’s hospital that she works at, there was a loud noise and flashing lights that went off in the main lobby area. The intercom said that there was a code red.
After some people walked in, a woman looked at me and said irritatingly, “Why is that noise going off?!” (You could just hear the disgust dripping in her voice.)
Her friend said, “It’s because we walked in through these doors.”

‘Right,’ I thought, ‘that’s exactly what happened.’ Think about it, noises go off like that at a store if someone shoplifts. Think about why people are in hospitals. I don’t think it is to shop.

We weren't at a Target.

So...uh....yeeaaah

At work today, a student sat at a table nearby so that he could plug his computer in. After talking with a fellow tutor for a long time, he packed up his stuff, turned to me, and then said, "Enjoy your time." And then he turned a walked away!

It was so amazingly strange!


I mean, what do you say to that and what does it even mean?

I was off work by that time so as I was gathering my things, I said in a quiet voice, "Okay. CREEP!"

Sooo yeah.... that was all. Just a super strange story.
I simply had to write this one down so that I won't forget it!

Shh....

Shh...don't tell! I sneaked in a Klondike bar before eating dinner!!

:)

I put water on the stove to boil and then popped in a little Heath Klondike bar as I watched the Office while waiting for the water to boil :)

Oh yes, I felt sneaky!

Who says you can't have dessert before you have dinner?! Not me!!

Re: Saturday

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground
Is sinking sand

I want to say I'm sorry...............

I want to say I'm sorry.
I want to, ....so badly.

I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know how.
I don't know where to start, what to say, or how to say it.

I know I need to say I'm sorry but I'm not sure.

I'm not being selfish...I just need some help.
I know I want to.
I know I need to.
I know I have to....but how?


I'm sitting here mad at myself. I need to say I'm sorry but I can't.
I'm compelled to say I'm sorry but my mouth won't move.

I can NOT get my mind to say what my heart is needing so desperately to say.

I'm in pain, frustration, and angry with my heart.
What I thought was a vein connecting my heart to my head is not there.
Why isn't it working now? Why won't I ...open...up....my...mouth...and SPEAK?

I'm mad at myself. I tell myself to be the better person.
Grow up.
Get over yourself.
Get over it.
Admit your pride, your sin, and stop looking at others.
Don't blame them for how you act, I tell myself.
Do NOT let their actions dictate yours.

But I do.


I'm ashamed, mad, angry, and trying oh so hard not to be bitter.
Do good, try hard, fail.

But this time I wanted not to fail so badly, I tell God.
I trusted in you, made my claim, a battle cry for how I was going to fight against Satan.

I have a new way to live, I tell myself.
I'm so much smarter than all those other people who don't make it.
I have found the mantra to make my life better.
I know a better way to live.
I know how to live.
They don't.

HOW? I scream!
How did I do it again?
Why is it that I wanted it so badly, I tried so hard, yet I still failed???
Why God?


At the end of all of this, I say in a quiet voice.....
help


help


help



Help me! I finally cry out.

Show me the way God!

I thought I knew it, I thought I could do it, I KNEW that I could.
But you know I can't.

I am sitting here crying. Looking at the ugliness that I am. Knowing that for all my pride and focus on my outward appearance, it is all in vain.
Grace... what a nice girl, they used to say. They know better now.

That girl grew up. She became smarter, wiser, somehow seeing what they all didn't. Seeing who she really was, who she wanted to be all that time.
Mean,
ugly,
ignorant,
pushy,
arrogant,
prideful.
That's what she is now.


Mad. Mad I tell you! Mad is what I am. Angry, frustrated, disappointed that I let myself get beyond the point of just knowing I might have these things in me.
Getting to the point of being them.
sigh



I'm still sitting here and thinking. I have NOT given up.
I WILL connect my heart to my mind.
I WILL become a person that I can look at in the eye.
Not always admiring myself in the mirror anymore, but being satisfied with who and how God made me.
I will fix this, make it right, grow, learn, change, be......

Because this time, I will NOT be doing it by myself.
I will seek you each day, each moment, every SINGLE time I am doubting, worrying, wondering, questioning.

I hate feeling like crud. Wanting more, knowing I need less.
I read and am inspired by others. I desire to have their hearts, but cannot seem to get one.
I cannot get outside of myself, beyond myself, out of my own head, MY thoughts, MY mind, MY wants, desires, needs. Me, me, me!

I sit here and choose.
I hate myself, but know I shouldn't.
I need to love God, love others, love.
Love not hate.

I need.
Need help,
need guidance,
need a hand,
need better influences,
need inspiration,
need things to laugh at.
Need to stop crying :)


I sit here now,
drying my eyes, knowing.
Knowing I am at the end of myself.
Knowing I have nothing left to give, nothing left to desire, nothing left to cry about.

I sit here and praise,
All I can say is......Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, forever!
Always forever!

You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever


You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life

Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, forever

Holy Discontent :

Holy Discontent:

So many thoughts, so many emotions.
I don't have the strength to write it all down right now.

But you know what God?
I'm thinking about it.
In the quiet of my heart and when I still my mind,
I am thinking about it and what Your will is for me.

Please continue to push me, mold me, challenge me, and open my eyes to see the world around me. Please allow me to know when to take the secret thoughts inside my heart out to share with the world.
Please hold me accountable to those thoughts once I share them.

Amen.

up to interpretation

I’m wandering
I’m crawling
I’m two steps away from falling
Just can’t seem to get around

I’m heavy
I’m weary
Not thinking clearly
I just can’t seem to find solid ground
Since you’ve been around

I’m running
I’m hiding
But you’ll never find me
'cause I’ve always felt lost in a crowd

I’m sinking
I’m drowning
I’m so afraid of losing
My head’s been spinning round and round
Since you’ve been around

I’m foolish and crazy
I just think that maybe I gotta things to figure out
I’m winning
I’m losing
I’m afraid of never choosing this heart of mine, so
Beaten down
Before you came around

Who is this being sung to?
I like to think about these things when I hear an interesting song.
And for this song, I can see two sides of a coin.
Singing to a loved one, or to God.

But for now,
I will just enjoy the poignant arrangement of these words. And let them speak on their own.