I want to say I'm sorry...............

I want to say I'm sorry.
I want to, ....so badly.

I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know how.
I don't know where to start, what to say, or how to say it.

I know I need to say I'm sorry but I'm not sure.

I'm not being selfish...I just need some help.
I know I want to.
I know I need to.
I know I have to....but how?


I'm sitting here mad at myself. I need to say I'm sorry but I can't.
I'm compelled to say I'm sorry but my mouth won't move.

I can NOT get my mind to say what my heart is needing so desperately to say.

I'm in pain, frustration, and angry with my heart.
What I thought was a vein connecting my heart to my head is not there.
Why isn't it working now? Why won't I ...open...up....my...mouth...and SPEAK?

I'm mad at myself. I tell myself to be the better person.
Grow up.
Get over yourself.
Get over it.
Admit your pride, your sin, and stop looking at others.
Don't blame them for how you act, I tell myself.
Do NOT let their actions dictate yours.

But I do.


I'm ashamed, mad, angry, and trying oh so hard not to be bitter.
Do good, try hard, fail.

But this time I wanted not to fail so badly, I tell God.
I trusted in you, made my claim, a battle cry for how I was going to fight against Satan.

I have a new way to live, I tell myself.
I'm so much smarter than all those other people who don't make it.
I have found the mantra to make my life better.
I know a better way to live.
I know how to live.
They don't.

HOW? I scream!
How did I do it again?
Why is it that I wanted it so badly, I tried so hard, yet I still failed???
Why God?


At the end of all of this, I say in a quiet voice.....
help


help


help



Help me! I finally cry out.

Show me the way God!

I thought I knew it, I thought I could do it, I KNEW that I could.
But you know I can't.

I am sitting here crying. Looking at the ugliness that I am. Knowing that for all my pride and focus on my outward appearance, it is all in vain.
Grace... what a nice girl, they used to say. They know better now.

That girl grew up. She became smarter, wiser, somehow seeing what they all didn't. Seeing who she really was, who she wanted to be all that time.
Mean,
ugly,
ignorant,
pushy,
arrogant,
prideful.
That's what she is now.


Mad. Mad I tell you! Mad is what I am. Angry, frustrated, disappointed that I let myself get beyond the point of just knowing I might have these things in me.
Getting to the point of being them.
sigh



I'm still sitting here and thinking. I have NOT given up.
I WILL connect my heart to my mind.
I WILL become a person that I can look at in the eye.
Not always admiring myself in the mirror anymore, but being satisfied with who and how God made me.
I will fix this, make it right, grow, learn, change, be......

Because this time, I will NOT be doing it by myself.
I will seek you each day, each moment, every SINGLE time I am doubting, worrying, wondering, questioning.

I hate feeling like crud. Wanting more, knowing I need less.
I read and am inspired by others. I desire to have their hearts, but cannot seem to get one.
I cannot get outside of myself, beyond myself, out of my own head, MY thoughts, MY mind, MY wants, desires, needs. Me, me, me!

I sit here and choose.
I hate myself, but know I shouldn't.
I need to love God, love others, love.
Love not hate.

I need.
Need help,
need guidance,
need a hand,
need better influences,
need inspiration,
need things to laugh at.
Need to stop crying :)


I sit here now,
drying my eyes, knowing.
Knowing I am at the end of myself.
Knowing I have nothing left to give, nothing left to desire, nothing left to cry about.

I sit here and praise,
All I can say is......Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, forever!
Always forever!

You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever


You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life

Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, forever

Holy Discontent :

Holy Discontent:

So many thoughts, so many emotions.
I don't have the strength to write it all down right now.

But you know what God?
I'm thinking about it.
In the quiet of my heart and when I still my mind,
I am thinking about it and what Your will is for me.

Please continue to push me, mold me, challenge me, and open my eyes to see the world around me. Please allow me to know when to take the secret thoughts inside my heart out to share with the world.
Please hold me accountable to those thoughts once I share them.

Amen.

up to interpretation

I’m wandering
I’m crawling
I’m two steps away from falling
Just can’t seem to get around

I’m heavy
I’m weary
Not thinking clearly
I just can’t seem to find solid ground
Since you’ve been around

I’m running
I’m hiding
But you’ll never find me
'cause I’ve always felt lost in a crowd

I’m sinking
I’m drowning
I’m so afraid of losing
My head’s been spinning round and round
Since you’ve been around

I’m foolish and crazy
I just think that maybe I gotta things to figure out
I’m winning
I’m losing
I’m afraid of never choosing this heart of mine, so
Beaten down
Before you came around

Who is this being sung to?
I like to think about these things when I hear an interesting song.
And for this song, I can see two sides of a coin.
Singing to a loved one, or to God.

But for now,
I will just enjoy the poignant arrangement of these words. And let them speak on their own.

Psalm 86:12

Ever not want to hear something because then it would be true?
It would be real?
It would be life?

I am a runner. When something comes my way and it scares me, I like to run and hide.
Rather than dealing with uncomfortable, uncontrolable, or undesirable things, people, and situations, I may make preliminary decisions and then I will sweep the whole thing under the rug. I do not like this about myself and I work at changing.
I try not to be unconfrontational about most things in life, but some things are just too much. Too big. Too scary.
But hiding from the world does not make it stop existing. Life goes on in the midst of tragedy, people learn to cope, survive, and live. Life continues because it is. It just is.

Thank God for his Sovereign control, power, and plans over life.
I praise him for that.

Psalm 86:12
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.

Great Is Your Love -Ross King
I will praise you, oh Lord my God
With all of my heart I'll glorify your name forever.

I will praise you, oh Lord my God
(Great is your, love to me)
With all of my heart I'll glorify your name forever.
(You have delivered me)

Just to know you is to be alive,
Your love has lifted me up from my grave
You have rescued me from sin and I
Am blown away, its all that I can do to say...

Hear the passion of my prayer oh God
I have a desperate need to praise Your name
Your forgiveness and your mercy are
The only way, that I can get to you to say...

When I'm old.....

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

Having read James many times before, I finally read this passage and saw that it is really just a fancy way of the old saying that anything hard that you must endure is a way to 'build character.'

In response to complaints about frustrating or unfair things in a child's life, many times adults say that it is building character. Of course, this response is usually met with sighs and more complaints by the frustrated child.

However, after reading, reflecting, and hearing someone's thoughts on this very passage, I find that I have a new understanding.

Instead of responding in childish ways, I can respond in a different manner.
When responding to trials, I have the choice to either respond by relying on God, or I can become 1) resentful, 2) retaliatory, or 3) resigned.

Do I want to endure this process at the present moment?

No, not always.

But willl I endure?

Yes.


In light of the end result, I seek to endure, striving for patience and perseverance. For I want God to produce stability and spiritual maturity in my life.
Therefore, I endure through the present and temporal trials to receive the future and eternal results.

Also of great importance is the first part of verse two, 'Consider it pure joy,' or 'Count it all joy' in another version. We are to welcome, embrace, and find joy in times of trial and tribulation; as we struggle in facing trials, we are brought closer to God in a more meaningful relationship and intertwined existence.


So when I'm old, this is what I will tell people younger than me. Not only do trials simply 'build character,' it is written in the Bible, God's personal words to humans, that trials produce a rooted, established, and mature life in Christ.






I can count a million times
People asking me how
I can praise You
with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny
so tell me whats a little rain


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Choose

I CHOOSE LOVE… No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY… I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical… the tool of a lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE… I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE… I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS… I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS… I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS… Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS… Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL… I am a spiritual being… After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Max Lucado (When God Whispers Your Name)

metaphor for my life

“I will tell you what a tragedy is.

I will show you how to waste your life.

Consider this story from the February 1998 Reader’s Digest:
A couple ‘took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast
five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51. Now they live in
Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their 30-foot trawler,
play softball and collect shells. . . .’

Picture them before Christ at the great day of judgment:


‘Look, Lord. See my shells?'


That is a tragedy.



Wise words for how I've been feeling about my relationship with God lately. Not bad, but definitely not good. More like pathetic, apathetic, and most scary of all, complacent. I have not been awake and have not been watching God work and move. At the end of the day, the most frustrating thing for me is that I have not even been trying to work and move in this world for Him.

No.

I have been pathetically saying, 'Look, Lord. See my shells?'