I want to say I'm sorry...............

I want to say I'm sorry.
I want to, ....so badly.

I want to say I'm sorry but I don't know how.
I don't know where to start, what to say, or how to say it.

I know I need to say I'm sorry but I'm not sure.

I'm not being selfish...I just need some help.
I know I want to.
I know I need to.
I know I have to....but how?


I'm sitting here mad at myself. I need to say I'm sorry but I can't.
I'm compelled to say I'm sorry but my mouth won't move.

I can NOT get my mind to say what my heart is needing so desperately to say.

I'm in pain, frustration, and angry with my heart.
What I thought was a vein connecting my heart to my head is not there.
Why isn't it working now? Why won't I ...open...up....my...mouth...and SPEAK?

I'm mad at myself. I tell myself to be the better person.
Grow up.
Get over yourself.
Get over it.
Admit your pride, your sin, and stop looking at others.
Don't blame them for how you act, I tell myself.
Do NOT let their actions dictate yours.

But I do.


I'm ashamed, mad, angry, and trying oh so hard not to be bitter.
Do good, try hard, fail.

But this time I wanted not to fail so badly, I tell God.
I trusted in you, made my claim, a battle cry for how I was going to fight against Satan.

I have a new way to live, I tell myself.
I'm so much smarter than all those other people who don't make it.
I have found the mantra to make my life better.
I know a better way to live.
I know how to live.
They don't.

HOW? I scream!
How did I do it again?
Why is it that I wanted it so badly, I tried so hard, yet I still failed???
Why God?


At the end of all of this, I say in a quiet voice.....
help


help


help



Help me! I finally cry out.

Show me the way God!

I thought I knew it, I thought I could do it, I KNEW that I could.
But you know I can't.

I am sitting here crying. Looking at the ugliness that I am. Knowing that for all my pride and focus on my outward appearance, it is all in vain.
Grace... what a nice girl, they used to say. They know better now.

That girl grew up. She became smarter, wiser, somehow seeing what they all didn't. Seeing who she really was, who she wanted to be all that time.
Mean,
ugly,
ignorant,
pushy,
arrogant,
prideful.
That's what she is now.


Mad. Mad I tell you! Mad is what I am. Angry, frustrated, disappointed that I let myself get beyond the point of just knowing I might have these things in me.
Getting to the point of being them.
sigh



I'm still sitting here and thinking. I have NOT given up.
I WILL connect my heart to my mind.
I WILL become a person that I can look at in the eye.
Not always admiring myself in the mirror anymore, but being satisfied with who and how God made me.
I will fix this, make it right, grow, learn, change, be......

Because this time, I will NOT be doing it by myself.
I will seek you each day, each moment, every SINGLE time I am doubting, worrying, wondering, questioning.

I hate feeling like crud. Wanting more, knowing I need less.
I read and am inspired by others. I desire to have their hearts, but cannot seem to get one.
I cannot get outside of myself, beyond myself, out of my own head, MY thoughts, MY mind, MY wants, desires, needs. Me, me, me!

I sit here and choose.
I hate myself, but know I shouldn't.
I need to love God, love others, love.
Love not hate.

I need.
Need help,
need guidance,
need a hand,
need better influences,
need inspiration,
need things to laugh at.
Need to stop crying :)


I sit here now,
drying my eyes, knowing.
Knowing I am at the end of myself.
Knowing I have nothing left to give, nothing left to desire, nothing left to cry about.

I sit here and praise,
All I can say is......Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, forever!
Always forever!

You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever


You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life

Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, forever