late one Sunday night

In the spring of 2011, I arrived home to my apartment late one Sunday night after going to church & doing errands to find multiple emergency vehicles going into our apartment complex. After a lot of confusion and wondering, I found out the next day, that my neighbor had committed suicide earlier that night.
He lived in the apartment directly diagonal from mine.
I never met him.
I didn't even know his name.


A few days later, his former fiance came to pack up his/their things.
What I wish I would have said:

***********

I'm sorry for your loss.

***********

I really am truly sorry for your loss.
No matter how you are feeling about it now.
Ambivalent, mad, sad, hurt, whatever.
I'm sorry.

***********

I wish I had said hi before this.

***********
 

I'm sorry I never tried to truly know you. Until now.

***********

I wish I had known, truly known, him before he was gone & you are moving on.

***********

We were neighbors for goodness sake! And I'm sorry that I forgot it enough to not do anything.

***********

Even if we never said it, we care. People care.

***********

Do you know God?

***********

God loves you and he sent his son to save you.

***********

Even if it seems like he's not there.
And you don't have hope.
Or answers.
Or direction.
Or love.


***********
 

God is with you and cares for you.

queer things

There is a large marquee sign by a gas station near my apt.
It usually has really queer messages {or, que-ah as Mary Lennox would say with her lil British accent}.

Today's?

My granddaughter
said you can
find a hippo in
a tree if you
look for red toenails.

???

Uhhh, what??!

Really?

I just don't get the purpose behind some of the quirky messages.

Is it so that drivers will be puzzled for the rest of the day?
: )


Speaking of Mary Lennox, I'm super into The Secret Garden right now.
Although, it was freaking me out a little when I first started listening to it on cd.

When I watched it as a kid, I was always weirded out by the beginning and other eery parts of the movie.
Hello! Creepy Master Craven {aka hunchback weird-o & possibly bad father}

And all the references to springtime and 'bits of green' 'pushing up and struggling' make me smile from ear to ear.

Oh, how joyous and wonderful is spring!

And to think, God made it all!

I love the concept of
___plants, animals, and living things___

struggling as they work to

....grow,
.........expand, &
..................bring forth

new life.

What an amazing depiction of the reality of life.

Right?


My favorite line from listening last night......

"The garden had reached the time when every day and every night
it seemed as if magicians were passing through it
drawing loveliness out of the earth and the boughs with wands."

Ummm, yes!

Such a lovely and enchanting line!
.......sigh.......
What a classic piece of literature!

a motto + a song

Today as I was finishing up  In His Steps  by Charles Sheldon,
 the song Take My Life by Chris Tomlin popped into my head.

While reading Sheldon's book, I was struck by the fact of --true Christian discipleship--

After a series of lifechanging events, a pastor, Henry Maxwell challenges his congregation to ask ‘What would Jesus do?’” before doing anything, and then to act as they are led by the Holy Spirit, regardless of personal consequences. Some people accept the challenge & truly seek to live by it, some face loss (social status/wealth/jobs), some struggle and doubt what Jesus would have them do in their life, still, others find a purpose and seek to wholeheartedly imitate Christ in every way. While working to meet the challenge, many realize that they must grow in their knowledge of Jesus in order to act like & imitate him.

 

Yet, as in reality, some reject the challenge as fanatical imitation of Jesus & see no need for change, others hold onto vices, habits & sins, and others loudly oppose the challenge. In the end, however, widespread change occurs and an exciting movement begins. .........The premise of his book on Wikipedia.org.

After reading the book, I was compelled to ask myself, What Would Jesus Do with my life?

First, he would apologize for being easily angered with my mom last night.
Secondly, he would be patient, enduring the sacrifice of personal desires that I am going through with humility and grace. Joyfully seeking human suffering and personal sacrifice.
Then, I thought about what I've been focusing on lately.
And honestly, for a long time (maybe a month), I've been driven by selfish desires and focused on meeting my needs/desires/wants.

One of those desires concerned blogging.
After hearing about different women who stopped blogging, others who've gone on breaks, and still others who have struggled with different aspects of blogging, I read a lot of 'do it for you- not x amount of followers' and I found myself torn.

Now, after reading Sheldon's story, I find myself realizing,
no I will not continue blogging for others.  no, I will not continue blogging for myself.  no, I will continue blogging for God.

By writing about my life/struggles/dreams/likes, I can glorify Him.
And that is how I plan to continue blogging.
I do not share this for personal acclaim, vanity, or any impure intentions.

I share this as my personal motto.

--My blog's manifest.--

Needless to say, the book is awesome.
I love me some Christian fiction : )

{Take My Life} -Chris Tomlin

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

-Chorus-
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

...A List...

I read a fun book over the weekend called The Beach House by Sally John.
It's a story about four old friends who reunite after 12 years after growing apart.

Although I'm not going to live my life by this list, I thought it was fun to think about.
It's fun to see when I have gone through a few parts of the list and to know that others will most likely happen as I age and mature.
As I become a woman.
And that is pretty crazy to think about!
I guess, like the song, I still have a lot of livin' left to do :)


A Real Woman Has....
A nest egg for personal use.
Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
A youth she's content to leave behind.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, a hammer, and a black lace bra.
A black dress and a white silk blouse.
One friend who always makes her laugh.
And one who lets her cry.
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
Eight matching plates, goblets, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A Real Woman Knows....How to fall in love.
How to quit a job.
How to confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder....and when to walk away.
How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend.
That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it.
Whom she can trust, whom she can't and why she shouldn't take it personally.
Where to go....be it to her friend's kitchen or a charming inn....when her soul needs soothing.
What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.

April Fools! (or not)

This past April first, I didn't encounter
one.
single.
April Fools joke.


No wool was pulled over my eyes.

No sugar in the salt shaker.

Or switched up shampoo bottles.

Or tricks via the internet.

Or even a sly 'true' text or phone call along the lines of "I broke my foot!" or "I'm sick so I can't come to school today." or "Your shoelaces are untied." 
(Which as an elementary school kid, I never really was conned into believed anyways.)

No such jokes or tricks happened here.


Sigh.

Is that part of growing up?
No more April Fools jokes?
I  was never a practical joke type person
(read: I'm a harmonizer & can't handle them: Your shirt is unbuttoned! -wait 1 second- April Fools!),

But, really?

Thus far...

I've had a crazy December & January.
To Say The Least!
And, I've been working on making changes in my life and my blog.
At first, I thought I could cut corners simply to please myself and achieve my end goals (speaking very figuratively here).
And you know what? After doing some thinking, praying, & searching, I know for certain that that is a very vain & pathetic way to live. Attempting the last step in a 20 step process will not allow you to have desired results. On top of that, you will not be able to learn, grow, meet challenges, face adversity, or make tough decisions. By cutting corners this way, you cannot enjoy the process of growing & finally achieving your goal.

I know what you're thinking: "Well, of course, Grace! Isn't that common sense?"

And my response? "I know, right?! I just said a big, delayed, DUH!  finally :)"

Okay, so to shorten things up,
I've decided not to cut corners, but to truly figure out my priorities, seek God & godly advice, and not to listen to anything else that only gets in the way of all of this!

Here are some verses that have been giving me encouragement & hope:

"Though he slay me, I will trust in him."

Job 13:15

"And let us not grow weary of doing good,
for in due season we will reap,
if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

Have you had any "DUH!!" moments lately?
&
What's been encouraging you lately?

So I say thank you for the music, the song I'm singing

I love you God!

Thank you for the sunshine!

You sure know how to make a girl happy and grin from ear to ear
(and desperately want to take a nap in a sun filled bedroom
-that she never gets to be in during the best nap times of the afternoon :)

Ever...

·said, "Blow your nose...no...not your mouth, your nose"?
·met someone with an incredibly good memory?
Like freakishly good?!
I know a few people like that and it freaks me out everytime!
·had a two year old give you an ‘air high five’?
·thought incredibly stupid thoughts like, “That’s what facsimile means!”?
·had one of those God moments where he totally showed you or reminded you of something super important?
·had the best job ever without even realizing it?
·been completely blown away by something completely unexpected?
Like showing up for work one day and being told you are being let go?
Argued with your boss and then feeling completely justified in your frustration because of their lies and misunderstanding of your initial job description?
·felt incredibly hot because someone gave you a compliment on a day you felt like crap?
·thought you would know someone named Dempsey?
·met someone so predictable it wasn’t even funny?
well maybe it was…
·been completely amazed by the weather?
·had tons of things on your ‘To Do’ list and only crossed off one thing?!
·wished people would just listen?
·painted your nails at the grocery store?